Permanent Vacation

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Inane travel journalism—will it ever stop? No, it will not. Let’s take look.

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Have you ever been on a plane? Have you ever looked out the window? Then here is the slideshow for you! In an epic series of Instagram-ish photos you’d most likely skip over if they were in your feed, “Scenic Views from Airplane Windows” offers somewhat scenic views from airplane windows (Warning: Several of the photos were taken from a helicopter). Behold, “Getting ready to take off in New York City,” put your sunglasses on for “Niagara Falls from above,” and get out the barf bag for “Somewhere over Asia, at 35,000 feet.” If you’re the type of frequent flier prone to closing the window blind or your eyelids, or if you remain unimpressed by the whole feat of flying, then this visual “inspiration” might just convince you to open up the blind—and your sense of wonder. Or don’t, and just order another drink for you and your friend.

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Standing in line at your favorite airport, you probably get this all the time: “Our station manager noticed how well-dressed you were and told me to upgrade you.” George Hobica can relate. Writing for Frommer’s, he says the difference between slum seats and first-class Shangri La might just be whether you wear the tie stuffed into your carry-on. It happened to his friend, and it happened to him; it can happen to you. Now, you might think Hobica’s upgrade had something to do with the fact that he’s the founder of Airfarewatchdog.com, a website dedicated to following the airline industry. “But,” he says, “I’m going to guess it was because I was the only person in the waiting area who wasn’t dressed like I was about to head off to the gym.” That may be, but what about the day, certainly in our near future, when there are gyms aboard airplanes? Who will get the upgrade then?

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Time was, if you wanted to live like a billionaire, it would take a lot of hard work, a grandfather tycoon or an overvalued tech startup. Now, thanks to “How to Vacation Like a Billionaire,” it can all be yours by simply reading thousands of words in a travel magazine. Come, join Scrooge McDuck and other cartoonishly wealthy travelers on an obscene vacation circuit that includes unimaginable extravagance, several tall fences, and access only by “helicopter, boat, hydroplane, or all three.” On one particular assignment, the reporter even “bathed in a bathtub the size of a boat,” which is for some reason not called a pool. Until the Ritz-Carlton opens up on the moon, wealthy travelers are venturing to the next best desolate landscapes: “One high-end specialist is taking clients to Afghanistan and Sudan.” That specialist might be the State Department. Even on vacation, the one percent are job creators, but did you know it’s not just humans who benefit? David Copperfield’s “island has a team of macaws trained to pick up rubbish and toss it in the trash.” As if real life for the superrich weren’t fantasy enough, some of their vacations also include a scripted adventure that teaches some kind of ABC Family morality lesson. One company “staged a Christmas trip to the Arctic for a billionaire’s family in which the children helped Santa, who was struggling under the demands of a greedy world.” No word on if that included busting the elf union.

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